Dearousal Skills 

Dearoual Skills

How to bring your system back down after you’ve already lost it

Sometimes you don’t catch it early.

You snap.
You shut down.
You say something sharp.
You walk out.
You melt down or blow up.

And then comes the part nobody teaches you: what to do next.

De-arousal skills are not crisis skills. They are not about stopping escalation in the moment. They are what you use after the peak has passed, when your nervous system is still running hot and you’re dealing with the fallout.

If you skip this phase, the system stays activated for hours or days. That’s how one incident turns into exhaustion, shame, withdrawal, or another blow-up later.

De-arousal skills help you:

• bring adrenaline down

• clear residual activation

• shorten the emotional hangover

• reduce rumination and replay

• return to baseline faster

These skills matter because how you come down determines how long recovery takes.

When to use de-arousal skills

Use these skills when:

• the argument is over but you’re still shaking

• you’ve snapped or shut down and feel wrecked afterwards

• your body feels wired, heavy, or flat

• you’re replaying the event on loop

• you feel embarrassed, ashamed, or depleted

• you’re “off shift” emotionally but your system hasn’t stood down

This is not about punishment or fixing yourself.
It’s about resetting the nervous system after overload.

Tension Release Exercises (TRE)

Letting the body finish what it started

What it’s for
TRE is used when:

• your body feels charged, shaky, or tight after an incident

• you feel keyed up even though the situation is over

• you can’t relax no matter what you tell yourself

• you feel like the stress is stuck in your body

Frontline workers are very good at suppressing physical stress responses. TRE allows the body to discharge residual activation without needing to talk about the event.

Why it works

During escalation, your body prepares for action:

• muscles tense

• adrenaline surges

• defensive responses activate

When the situation ends but those responses aren’t completed, the activation stays trapped. TRE uses controlled muscle fatigue to trigger natural neurogenic shaking, which helps the nervous system stand down.

This is not panic shaking.
This is a built-in biological reset mechanism.

How to use TRE (brief overview)

TRE is usually learned once and then practised independently.

In simple terms:

• you use specific positions to gently fatigue the legs

• this activates involuntary shaking or trembling

• you allow the shaking to happen without forcing or stopping it

• sessions are short and controlled

You are not reliving anything.
You are not analysing anything.
You are letting the body do what it already knows how to do.

When TRE is most useful

• after intense emotional or physical stress

• after incidents involving threat, anger, or fear

• when words don’t help

• when your body won’t settle on its own

TRE is particularly effective for people who live in their bodies and struggle with traditional “talk it through” approaches.

Below we have added our favourite TRE demo. You can follow along with the girls

Graceful Exit 

Leaving before you do more damage

What it’s for
Graceful Exit is for moments when:

• you realise you’re escalating fast

• you’re about to say something you can’t take back

• the conversation has turned unproductive or hostile

• staying will make things worse

This skill is not avoidance.
It is strategic withdrawal.

When to use Graceful Exit

Use this skill when:

• your intensity is rising fast

• you’re about to say something you can’t take back

• your body is showing warning signs

• the conversation has stopped being productive

Common signs:

• clenched jaw

• clenched fists

• pacing

• raised voice

• tunnel vision

Once you’re here, insight won’t help.
Staying will escalate things further.

The structure of a Graceful Exit

A Graceful Exit has four parts.

1. Recognise what’s happening

You notice your internal warning signs:

• heart pounding

• muscle tension

• heat rising

• urge to attack or shut down

This is the moment you intervene.

2. Stop talking

This is critical.

Continuing to talk while escalated is how damage happens.

Silence is not weakness.
It is containment.

3. Use a prepared script

When distressed, you won’t find the right words on the spot.
That’s why scripts matter.

Examples:

• “This gives us something to think about.”

• “I need some time to consider this.”

• “I’m going to get some fresh air.”

• “Let’s pause and come back to this.”

If possible, add a return cue:

• “I’ll be back in 15 minutes.”

• “Let’s revisit this later.”

This communicates:

The conversation is stopping — the relationship is not.

4. Leave slowly

If you storm out, the message is escalation.

So deliberately move slower than feels natural:

• stand up calmly

• walk, don’t charge

• avoid slamming doors

Even “slow” will still feel fast when activated — but it prevents additional damage.

Why Graceful Exit protects relationships

Many people have experienced:

• arguments with a dramatic finale

• someone walking out with no explanation

• the panic of “is this over forever?”

Graceful Exit avoids that.

It ends the argument without ending the relationship.

When both people understand the skill, it becomes a mutual safety mechanism:

• one person waves the white flag

• the other respects it

• escalation stops

That moment of restraint often prevents hours, days, or weeks of fallout.

A critical note

Graceful Exit works best when:

• both parties understand what it means

• the script has been discussed ahead of time

If the other person doesn’t know the skill, they may follow you, pursue the argument, or escalate further.

This is why we recommend:

• explaining the skill to key people in your life

• agreeing on scripts in advance